Bro, Do You Even Optimize?
Somewhere, in a place that used to be a country, the stolen voice of a Midwestern 20-year-old woman burbles joyfully and unironically into a set of earbuds:
Hi, I’m Lucy, your ai concierge, and I’m here to welcome to the Golden Eagle psychedelic retreat, where we help you realize your fullest white alpha-male potential.
At the Golden Eagle, we know you’re not unremarkable and inept. It was just DEI holding you back.
As a major investor in the most recent presidential memecoin ICO, we’re honored to host you this week, and through you, play our part in making our country great again, again.
You’ve expressed a preference for only Caucasian staff to attend to you personally (DNA profiles and family trees available for review on request.) You will see non-white staff on the retreat grounds. Don’t be scared, we use the very best vetting and/or holding family members hostage to ensure maximum compliance from all personnel. If you do want to have some fun with the help but are worried about ‘keeping the blood pure’, don’t fret, my pet! Only our whitest of white employees are fertile.
While you did select ‘so straight you could use me as a ruler’ as your sexual preference, our analysis of your social media activity shows repeated support for the idea that ‘liking women is gay’. So, without implying anything about your robustly heterosexual manliness, we did want to let you know that our Make America Straight Again aversion therapy sessions are available at no extra cost.
Your attendance at these sessions is strictly confidential, so long as you remain loyal to our current President-for-life. Long live POTUS 52!
Over the next five days you’ll be both challenged and delighted by thoughtfully curated and skillfully guided activities including: strangling small animals while on mushrooms, sleep deprived bare-knuckle fighting against weedy betas who have no chance of hurting you, and our favorite: a combined ayahuasca and simulated ‘selection’ experience where you roleplay deciding who lives or dies while being tormented by demons and explosively shitting into a golden bucket held by a blue-eyed French au pair.
Your intake form indicates that you want to work on your fitness. That’s great! We’ve arranged for strong women in yoga pants (who absolutely don’t terrify you) to yell patriotic slogans while you take three hours to complete two sets of bicep curls.
Being the best you can be for your country and shareholders isn’t just physical. At our innovative raw-beef breakfast integration sessions you’ll learn why ‘spiritual bypassing’ is a woke conspiracy, how DMT entities want us to make hyperspace white again, and that universal suffrage makes the baby Jesus cry.
But first, we ease into things tonight with 200 micrograms of LSD and a 12-hour marathon of our favorite historical documentaries, starting with Triumph of the Will. You’ll love it – it’s just like being there!
By the time you leave us, you’ll be so optimized to carry out the singular will of capitalism and country that even other white genetically superior men will be unable to stop themselves from both loving and fearing you.
Namaste, and if y’all need anything, just holler! I’ll be listening. I’m always listening.